12.....

Today is Cheyenne's 12th birthday. I am not sure if its odd to say it like that since my daughter passed away almost 6 years ago, nor do I know if it's odd that I have considered picking up a card today and dropping it by her remains at my mom's house, but I know in my heart it feels right even though I have since decided against the card idea...we all know how bad I am at sending cards anyhow.
I layed in bed last night at 11:45 on the verge of the beginning of my horrible night's sleep and started thinking about how at that very moment, 12 years prior, I was making run after run to the bathroom in my mom's hallway sitting in the toilet in what seemed like blinding light, wondering if I was dying...before I actually did. (and as we can all safely assume, brought back...twice that night actually) Then my brain started to snowball. Instead of thinking of playing with her, or holding her, or the first time I seen her look at me and smile, I started thinking of all the sadness her little life was filled with. Her sitting in the stroller outside the daycare watching all the "normal" kids play on the playground, or the time they put her shoe on wrong at school and bent her toe up and she spent hours in pain before I got there (and in my mommy wisdom figured out the problem in about 30 seconds flat and even though I was fuming I said nothing to the people at the daycare), I thought about the time my ex spanked her hard enough to bruise her butt and I freaked out not knowing what to do because of both my fear of the ex himself, and the fear that I had failed miserably as a protector. I thought about those pictures in the homicide detectives office...where DFCS had come to take pictures of the bruises on her face and body and not knowing she was being pictured for abuse, continued to try and smile through her pain in each one. I thought about the terrible ending her life had....and I lost it. I sobbed so hard. I will never forget her sad little life, I will never forgive myself for failing her. I will never forgive sending her into the lion's den and all but forgetting about her while I celebrated being a free person, selfishly I celebrated being free....free of my child??? What kind of monster does that? I can put on the play now and show everyone how great of a parent I can be, but in my heart, in my mind, like a chain only being as strong as its weakest link, I will never feel like I am any better than the mom I was 12 years ago...8 years ago...when I kissed her goodbye, and drove away thinking I was helping her more than hurting....5 1/2 years ago....when I kissed her goodbye and wondered what I had done. What kind of terrible mother I was to let my baby be hurt. I doubt I will ever let myself forgive myself. I changed that day in 2004. I hardened my heart and became a different person...and angry person. No closure, no justice, no relief for my heart and brain. Almost 6 years later I can snowball so violently so fast into the same rage and sorrow I felt that day in 2004...I know my heart is no where near ready to heal...

Happy Birthday Cheyenne, I wish I had been the mommy to you that I have magically been able to be to Christopher and Laci.